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    The Internet Needs a Gwyneth Paltrow Detox!

    gwyneth-paltrowGwyneth Paltrow is back, folks.

    No, not back from England.  And, no, not back on screens.  She’s back with more detox nonsense.

    In her latest newsletter, the Goopster (as I like to call her) mentions that she is “finishing [an] amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program.”

    She goes on to say she “feel[s] pure and happy and much lighter” as a result of following said cleanse.

    Alas, the cleanse conveniently happens to be the basis of New York City “detox specialist” — and Goopster friend — Dr. Alejandro Junger’s latest book, which she then goes on to plug.  How… convenient.

    In the newsletter, Dr. Junger, like any good businessman, explains that while the cleanse “can easily [be done] at home with freshly made foods and drinks, a meal replacement shake-supplement version of it is also available in a kit from www.cleanprogram.com.)”

    Second mortgage, anyone?

    Apparently the inspiration for this cleanse program — besides a larger bank account — was Dr. Junger’s personal experience following a 15-day juice fast several years ago, on which he “lost 15 pounds and was told repeateadly [that] he looked ten years younger.”

    Citing his medical experience, he claims to have perfected that cleanse in order to make it healthier and more manageable for those leading busy lives.  How someone with a busy schedule can find the time to get daily colonics beats me, though.

    Anyhow, you can view the cleanse manual here.  Page seven, which details the dietary principles, is quite interesting.

    Let’s see (my comments in bold):

    1. Oranges, strawberries, grapes, and bananas are not allowed.  Any diet program that tries to blame certain fruits for health problems loses major credibility.
    2. Rice milk and oat milk are allowed.  I thought processed foods were a no-no?  In what universe is rice milk not a processed food?
    3. Chicken and turkey are allowed, but not shellfish.  Right, because shrimp is so unhealthy…
    4. Tomatoes, potatoes, and eggplant are banned. Oh, you didn’t know?  Tomatoes are TERRIBLE for you.  Yeah, uhhh… the tomato lobby has just been lying to you all this time.  Those bastards!
    5. Brown rice syrup, stevia, and agave nectar get a thumbs up, but all other sweeteners — including honey — get a thumbs down.  Someone please send this doctor to Nutrition 101 so he can learn that all sugars are created equal.

    It’s rather ironic that a wellness website so intent on living harmoniously and in balance encourages avoidant eating patterns.

    Anyhow, if you believe what the Goopster says on the back cover of the book, this cleanse helps “end chronic depression.”  Did your BS detector just go off?  Good!

    Hollywood execs: if you’re out there, I beg you, please cast this woman in a film so she can get off the computer and stop spreading this cleanse nonsense.

    Thanks in advance!

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